This past weekend my fiance’s family came to ask for my hand in marriage. I’ve heard stories about what would happen or what would be talked about from my N.xf. (pastor’s wife) and friends, but honestly, you just won’t know what to expect until you’re in the seat. I found it to be a bittersweet and life changing occasion.
Just wanted to share a few thoughts, experience, and things I’ve learned. My experiences alone won’t be able to fully prepare future bride’s for theirs, but I hope this will be able to give some insight, perspective, and encouragement for those to follow.
- When Chu and I got engaged we made a prayer list. The “asking” and “Hmong Wedding” was on our list. Start praying early on for this occasion because it will pave a way and prepare everyone’s heart. Prayer makes all the difference!
- When the groom’s family comes to ask for the bride it truly is much more emotional on the bride’s side of the family. To be very honest, I have never seen my dad cry. I’ve heard his voice tremble when talking about certain things in the past, but he’s always cried behind closed doors. To hear my dad pause, force his words out, and cry is something I’ll never forget. On the other hand, I’ve seen my mom cry before, but it’s definitely different when she’s pouring her heart out for me. My parents declared their love for me and how they would take me back if anything ever happened and I couldn’t be more thankful for them and their love. It’s truly heartbreaking when your parents are giving permission for you to marry into another family and they’re handing you over. To my sisters, if you’re not ready, unsure, or just jumping the gun, please pray about it and hold off until you’re ready. Don’t put your parents in that kind of situation unless you’re positive he’s the one you want to marry and that you’re willing/ready to be a wife and nyab (daughter-in-law). Honestly, whether it’s tears of joy or sorrow you’ll just never forget how your parents cried for you. If your parents don’t cry, don’t worry about it. Their love still runs deep for you, but they were just able to restrain themselves from crying, which I applaud as well because that takes another level of strength.
- When my future in-laws walked in through the door I was so shy! I felt like I couldn’t look them in the eyes haha. I’m really blessed because I’ve known them for a long time and I feel pretty comfortable around them, but I don’t know why I still felt embarrassed and shy. Honestly, as ready as you are, reality sinks in a little more when your in-laws are sitting next to you, telling your parents they want you as their nyab (sooo touching and really sweet to be called nyab). I’m honored to become a part of their family and I’m excited that my family is growing as our families are becoming one. Ultimately, I’m thankful that they love the Lord, they love their son, and they were willing to come and ask for me.
- I am sooo thankful everything was handled by the church, the elders, and Xf.(the pastor). Culturally, when the groom’s family goes to ask for the bride, there are many things that occur, but going through the church made it really simple. Our mediator who spoke for both sides of the family did really good with going over the agenda, moving things along, and explaining things to us. Culturally, my dad wouldn’t even have the right to talk and everything would be conveyed through my relatives, but I’m thankful that my parents got to have their say and express their hearts. Everything went smooth, praise God!
- In the morning, I asked my mom who they were going to invite over, she mentioned a couple of names and I started panicking. I had this thought that if too many people were there and gave their input on the dowry and wedding planning then it would become difficult. Although, I wanted it to be small it ended up being a blessing that my uncles and aunts were there. They solely sat and listened until our mediator opened the floor for marriage advice. Chu and I received some sweet, honest, and funny advice. If they weren’t there than no one would have been there to give us advice and encourage us in this new chapter. Receiving wisdom from the elders in your life is a blessing and should never be dreaded. Thankful to everyone who sacrificed their time and came out to support us.
- Instead of just coming to ask for me, we technically did our Hmong Wedding too so at the end, Chu and I were confused about what to call our parents. The elders and our uncles didn’t say we had to call them “mom” or “dad” so that made it unclear. We asked our parents what we should do and they said to call them “uncle” and “auntie” until we do the American Wedding. Chu and I don’t want to offend any relatives, but both our parents said to wait till the wedding. I know other parents may think differently so if you’re confused, just ask because they will tell you what their preference is.
- By the permission of our parents and the elders as witnesses, Chu and I are married! Although that’s the case, it’s a bit awkward because we’re not legally married by the state and law. Chu and I definitely plan to uphold our purity and refrain from calling each other husband and wife until the ceremony has been performed and papers are signed.
- I know it’s nerve wracking, but try to be as attentive as you can. Remember the words that were said in that room because they’re full of meaning and blessings. A LOT will be said, but it’s worth remembering.
- I had a box of tissues prepared, but I didn’t even get to use it because someone placed it under the table and I couldn’t find it during the whole thing. Always have a box of tissues, even if you don’t think you’re going to cry and keep track of it. Napkins are not nose-friendly.
- With all the nerves, you might not have an appetite, but make sure you still eat. You need the energy, but most importantly I think it would be embarrassing if your stomach started growling. That was the one thought that pushed me to swallow food down my throat that day. It seems like a useless tip, but honestly, it’s up to what you want to risk haha.
Whew, that was pretty emotional running through everything in my head again, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to forget an occasion like this. Of course, there was so much more intimate and funny stuff that was said, but sisters, I would love to tell you those things personally. Praying that you would be blessed with the things that were shared. For the sisters who have done this before me, thank you for your stories. For the sisters who have yet to do theirs, it’s normal to be nervous, but everything will be fine.
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